The Rules

So here are some rules to follow when using public transportation.

1. Use Body Language Wisely - This rule has many applications. The bus driver is a visual creature that uses primarily the sense of sight to determine when people wish to get on/off the bus, etc. If you are standing near a bus stop and wish to get on an approaching bus, then you need to stand up and look expectantly at the bus driver and make it look like you want to get on the bus, because if you don't look like you want to get on the bus then the bus driver might assume that you don't want to get on the bus and might decide not to stop for you. Do not, however wave at the bus in an attempt to wave the bus down to stop for you unless you are absolutely sure that the following three criteria are met: A) you are actually standing at a designated bus stop, B) you are absolutely sure that the bus you are waving at is SUPPOSED to stop at the bus stop at which you are standing, AND C) you are fairly confident that the bus isn't stopping because the bus driver has for some reason forgotten that he/she needs to stop there. If any of the three previous conditions are not met, then you should not, under any circumstances try to wave a bus down because the bus driver will hate you until the very moment that you get off the bus.
   
   If you happen to be standing at a bus stop and do NOT wish to board the approaching bus, then you need to make it clear to the bus driver through your body language that you do not wish to board that bus. The best way to do this is with a simple "no" shake of the head. If for some reason this does not seem to be enough body language, then a large, exaggerated "keep going" motion of the arms is appropriate. You should NOT, however, try to wave at the bus driver in a manner that might be confused with the "stop, I want to get on" wave which was previously discussed and which should only be used under very strict conditions. You must also realize, however, that many times the bus driver will still have to stop at the bus stop to let people off and so you should not be offended if despite your attempts to wave him/her past he/she still stops anyway. Know in our heart that the bus driver still appreciates your valiant effort to save him/her from the agony of making an unwarranted stop.
   
   If you are already ON the bus, your body language is still very important. First of all, you should never stand near either of the exit doors (ESPECIALLY not in the rear stairwell) unless you wish to de-board at the following stop because the driver may assume that people standing by the door wish to get off the bus and will stop and be severely annoyed if after bringing the bus to a stop those people do not get off the bus. If you DO wish to get off the bus at the following stop, you should always pull the Stop Request cord. If you have some aversion to the cord, then you should stand up and walk towards the exit door approximately 10 seconds before the bus arrives at the stop. If you move there too early, the bus driver will think you are an idiot who doesn't know where the stop is located. If you go there too late, the driver will think you are an idiot who doesn't know where the stop is located AND he might just pass up your stop completely and feel no remorse for you. If you fail to pull the cord AND fail to get up and make it obvious that you would like to get off the bus and the driver drives past your stop, he/she will be laughing on the inside at your incompetence as a user of public transportation.
   
   
2. Be On Time - First of all, know when the bus arrives at the bus stop and be there EARLY. Nothing gives a bus driver greater joy than seeing someone running to a bus stop, arms flailing in exacerbation, as the driver pulls away slowly from the stop already a minute or two late. If you happen to find yourself trying to catch a bus at the last possible second, follow these rules to increase your chances of catching said bus. A) Run, don't saunter. Bus drivers don't like waiting for people running late to catch a bus, but they REALLY HATE waiting for people who are sauntering slowly to catch a waiting bus. If the bus is already at the stop and is stopped waiting for you, RUN! If the bus is already pulling away, but you think you have a chance of running and maybe catching it, don't ever flip it off because the driver might see you just at that second and decide that instead of waiting for your late ass to catch up that he/she will just keep going instead and ponder joyfully how much trouble you will be in when you get to work 30 minutes late. Also, if you happen to be running/walking directly in the path of the bus that you are trying to catch, don't wave at it to wait for you because it can't go anywhere with you standing in it's way anyway and the bus driver will automatically know then that you are an idiot and he/she will hate you for the duration of your ride. This brings me to the next rule.
   
   
3. Get Out of the Way - Basically, if a 25000 lb. bus is moving in your general direction, get out of the way. If it is pulling into a stop, stand back from the curb because the driver probably wants to get as close to the curb as possible to facilitate easy loading and unloading, but when people are standing too close to the edge of the curb there is a risk of hitting them with the mirror or the corner of the bus and so he/she can't get as close and he/she is annoyed. If you are in the direct path of a bus, stop and/or move in the other direction. It's really pretty simple. The driver obviously doesn't want to run people over, but in the battle of bus v. human, bus wins.
   
   
4. Don't Be Annoying - Firstly, don't make small-talk with the driver unless A) you are abnormally good-looking, B) you have something genuinely interesting or funny to say, C) the driver initiates the conversation, or D) you know the bus driver and it would be socially awkward and uncomfortable to sit there in silence. The bus driver has to keep track of a lot of things when he/she is driving (like not running over people, missing stops, staying on schedule, etc), so small-talk can be really distracting and unsafe.
   
   Also, don't ask stupid questions if you can avoid it. If your question can be answered by simply looking at the bus schedule for a few minutes, then don't ask the driver.
   
   If you are drunk and on a bus, the same rules apply. Don't ask stupid questions. Don't be a jerk. Don't be an asshole. Don't be loud/obnoxious or sing stupid songs. Don't ask to honk the horn. Don't ask to turn up the music. Don't ask where to find easy women. Don't ask where to find marijuana. Don't bring your preferred substance onto the bus. Don't miss your stop. Don't vomit. Don't pound on any of the windows or doors. When the bus stops, either get on or get off, but don't stand in the door trying to get girls to come home with you. And finally, MOST IMPORTANTLY (whether you are drunk or not), never ask the driver to take you to anywhere that is not a designated stop on the designated route. If you wanted to go there, you should have taken a taxi instead. This includes asking the driver to drop you off somewhere that isn't really a stop. It is against the law for them to do so and they risk getting in big trouble if they let you off there, so don't even ask them to.
   
   
5. Learn the System - Know where the bus stops and where it does not stop. Know which direction the bus goes in (also, if you have to guess, the direction that the bus is facing is also often the same direction that the bus will be traveling in). Read the signs on the bus. If a bus says "Out of Service," then that does not mean that it is some other bus that you wish it is. If a bus has gone to the same place at the same time the past 3 weeks that you have ridden it, then you don't need to keep asking.

So basically, the best bus riders are the ones who can figure out a schedule by themselves, are on time to the stops, have good overall body language, and know when and where and how to appropriately get off the bus. Unfortunately these are also the riders that the drivers are least likely to notice and so they never get the praise that they deserve because the drivers are busy hating the riders who suck. But from a real-life bus driver I commend all those who follow these rules and do their part to ensure a smooth public transportation experience for all the others. And for those who break these rules, shame on you, and please read and follow these rules carefully in the future for the sake of all humanity. I might have missed a few rules, but I think these are at least the most important ones. If anyone else would like to contribute some rules that I may have overlooked, please do so.

Don't be like this guy: